So, this is gonna be interesting, because I’m flying solo tonight, no plan, no script. I’m not even sure how long this will be or how it will turn out. Well…I have an IDEA how it will, but we’ll see. ;)
How to start this one…I was once told the best way to start is always at the beginning. I’ve lately become a bit of a fan of the show Glee, and I’ve almost finished with Season 2. For those of you who’ve seen it, you’ll know what I mean when I say I just finished the “Born this way” episode and it really made me think about a lot, which is why I’m writing this….and don’t worry…it’ll feature very little Glee lol.
I’m very critical of myself, a lot of people are. They say you are your own worst critic and to those who know me very personally they can tell you I fit that to a T. It’s something I hate about myself, which ironically is a bit of a viscous cycle. I don’t really have an actual list, but if I had to at the moment, it would be:
- Short
- I over sweat at times
- I’m not as thin as I want to be
- I’m not as popular as those around me
- I’m not as talented as other people I see
- Like already mentioned, I’m very critical
- I think that I’m ugly
- I have problems with my memory at times
- I have problems being close with people, which leads to trust issues
- I hate myself
- I wish I were better and someone else
I wasn’t sure where that list was going when I hit the bullet button, but I know how it got there. I started with my most obvious flaw…I’m short, I’m only 5’7” on a good day, and some would say that’s average height, but to me, it doesn’t feel that way. I sweat, and I know people have that problem as well…it’s embarrassing to have to explain why stains appear, or it looks like I ran a marathon when I’m just hanging out with friends. Then, it went from the outside to the inside…I think I’m ugly….trust issues….I hate myself. I’ve been told I may have depression, or bi-polar disorder, but honestly who knows. I debated over talking about that, because it seems to be the in thing with people seeking attention to self diagnose with diseases and disorders, but you know what…meh. It’s something I’m taking seriously and trying to get help with to figure out from actual doctors and psychiatrists. But more on that when I know for certain. =)
I’m apparently really opening up tonight, fair warning.
I hate myself…it’s something I keep coming back to and when I wrote it in that last, I just froze, because it flew out rather quick, and I don’t care who you are…when you say that about yourself, something just…stops. You are you, you are who you are…and no matter the amount of surgery, no matter the cosmetics, no matter the fashion, no matter the friends, no matter the job, no matter the money, no matter what ever the hell you can do…you will always and forever still be you. And you know…maybe that’s not a bad thing.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I said I had no idea how this was going to end up..which is not entirely true…I had an idea how it would end, but not how it gets there.
In high school, we usually invent ourselves. New friends, new cliques, new everything for the most part, and I was no different. I joined JROTC, Drama, Speech Team…I explored what it meant to be Patrick…I explored being bi sexual, something I’ve never really spoken about publicly until now, I explored different religions and beliefs…another post because that one’s heavy enough…but one thing, ONE thing never changed, no matter what all the outside did. Me. And, I hated that. I hated it because I stayed the same, while all around me so much was changing, I just wanted what was on the inside to change with it. I had a lot to learn.
It doesn’t matter what you believe for this to be true, you were made to be you. You are a gift to this world, something amazing to behold, someone that should be cherished, from crib to the days of being old. You have a brief run on this planet, to discover who you are…so take it, take it and run…let yourself go far.
I hate myself…I look back on those three words now, and I realize just how many times I have not only heard myself say them…but my friends and family…and why do we say that? Why do…and why SHOULD we say that?! If we were all meant to be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie…then I’m pretty certain God would have a copy and paste button up there. But He doesn’t.
Psalm 139:13 says that “Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb” and think about that…we are all formed…we are who we are. Take a moment, and think about that, think about yourself and come up with at least one thing that speaks to you…one thing about you maybe you wish you could change, or hide…keep it close right now.
I can’t help but laugh because as I’m writing this a friend text messages me and says they are going out for coffee. I love coffee, it’s a great therapist, and if you don’t believe me, try it sometime. I quote them “Coffee and writing are excellent bed fellows”
I love coffee….I love me. It’s so easy to love something…or even someone…but loving YOU, that’s a big damned mountain isn’t it? Why is that do you think? Is it because we are the only ones who know our inner most secrets? That…only we have seen the real depths of what we have done, or that only we know our thoughts and where they have gone? I don’t believe that is the case. I have faith in a lot of things…one of which is a relationship (which has been quick rocky for a while) in my God, Jesus. Now, this isn’t a post about religion, my faith honestly just happened to come up, but I’m not apologetic about it, because that’s who I am. And don’t worry…I’m not going to Bible thump anyone…on my best day I deserve hell, so we’ll leave that there for now ;)
But because of my faith, I believe in a value in everyone…something that no one can take away..something special and beyond compare….so maybe…just maybe if I were to take that value I see in others and apply it to myself…what would happen?
The answer a big headache. =) Because starting from the inside, I see the me I was meant to be, not the me the world has tried to coach me into. I’m not short, I’m the exact height I was meant to be, I’m not ugly…I’m actually quite the damned chipper and handsome devil if I do say so myself! And I am a good person, like many I have made mistakes and wrong choices, but that doesn’t make anyone bad, just human. I’m loved, I’m a friend, I’m a brother, I’m a grandson, I’m a co-worker, I’m Patrick…and I am the me I am and was always supposed to be. Change those words up…put your name in there and give it a test run…hell…run far with it ;)
If you’ve made it this far with me, you’re a trooper. And to reward you I’m going to close this novel I’m writing. Remember, you are you, no one else was nor ever will be you. So be the best damned you, you can be! Because in the end…that is the most awesome thing in the world…because…after all ;) We’re all born this way!
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